It’s been a while since the robots have sent me any poems to parse and redistribute to the masses. In fact, I was about to shutter this section of the site. With no more new material, how would I ever be able to continue?

Then, a little while back, I started getting requests for help. Maybe it’s because my email address has started to appear in more places around the internet due to increased visibility from book sales. Who knows? All I know is, these people are in desperate situations, and who am I to deny them the help that they need?

For example, here’s one from “Sue Peters,” asking for assistance in being a good person:

Subject Line: Please Be Sincere To Me…

I am Sue Peters, currently undergoing medical treatment for cancer Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia (CML). I was married to Late Dr. Collins Peters who worked with Woodside Petroleum Limited (Australia) for 23years before he died in the year 2011.

Before my Husband died, we both made a deposit of a total sum US$9.8M in a Private Bank. Recently,My Doctor told me that I have a few month to live due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I have decided to donate this fund to an honest Person for charitable cause.

My Attorney will issue you a Letter of Authority from Court naming you the original Beneficiary of these funds. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein.

Hoping to hear from you. Please send a mail to my personal Email: suepeters499@gmail.com

In His Arms.
Sue Peters

Dear Sue,

I’m sorry to hear about your troubles. Not only did you marry a man who was apparently late so often that it became part of his title, but he obviously also sold out his ethics. A “Doctor” working with an Australian Petroleum Company should have known better, and probably was the one who ended up bringing home highly irradiated clothes for you to wash, thereby causing your “cancer problem.”

I’m more interested in what you didn’t say, to be honest. If you both made a deposit – in what I assume to be a reputable financial establishment (it’s the capital letters in “Private Bank” that convinced me) – that came to US$9.8M, how much of that was yours? What well-paying position did you have, and can you put in a good word for me? Seeing as there’ll be a vacancy soon and all…

I’m glad that you have selected me, after what must have been a rigorous process, as the honest person worthy of distributing your millions to “charitable cause.” The problem is, you didn’t specify which cause, so I’m going to have to assume you meant the Neil Rochford Fund For Struggling Neil Rochfords. It’s a noble organization, I assure you, wishing only to improve the lives of Neil Rochfords around the world suffering from the debilitating Neil Rochford Syndrome.

I’ll be waiting for the “Letter of Authority” from “Court” – again with the capital letters, must be extremely official and important! – and I assure you, because you used the word “herein,” I will take everything you said seriously and follow your instructions without question.

One final note: I would suggest that, if your husband died in 2011, it’s probably time to let go, both figuratively and literally. I don’t know why you would still be in his arms, or how you can withstand what must be a powerful odor by now. Maybe the “cancer problem” is dulling your senses?

Between Her Legs,

Neil

Featured Image Credit: Nephron